What does therapy feel like? 10 insights to consider.
Author: Thania Siauw, Psychologist
After experiencing some big changes in my life during the past 12 or so months, including becoming a mother and then transitioning back into part-time work, I decided it would be a good time to engage in some counselling, to help me process these events. As it’s been a few years since I’ve had therapy, I was reminded of the daunting, unnerving, uncomfortable, and also relieving sensations of the first session. I think it’s important to talk about what therapy actually involves, and to challenge the sensationalised, often inaccurate, and sometimes downright creepy portrayal of therapy depicted in the media, as well as to normalise going to therapy as a standard part of our self-care.
Our mental health is so important, but seeking help is frequently stigmatised and not prioritised. People avoid treating their emotional wellness for many reasons; because they don’t believe their mental health is as significant as their physical health, they are afraid of feeling worse or out of control if they open up to a professional, they don’t want to appear as incompetent or “weak”, or they have little knowledge and understanding about what occurs in a therapy session.
As a practicing psychologist it feels important to me to engage in self-reflection. Just like everybody else on the planet, I can get stuck in unhealthy patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving, and need help to have a look at what’s going on, so I can work through it. As a therapist I encourage my clients to lean into their vulnerability and to challenge themselves in ways that requires commitment and can involve emotional hard-work; and through engaging in this work myself, I appreciate a deeper respect and admiration for all my clients. Many years ago, the first time I sat in the other chair, as the client, I realised how difficult and confronting therapy can be, but also how vital therapy is for supported and sustainable wellness.
Counselling is a unique process for everyone, however based on my own experience and hearing many others share theirs, below are some thoughts on what engaging in therapy can feel like, in the hope that it provides helpful information and portrays a more realistic perspective for people who have been wondering or feel unsure about seeking support.
1. Some people walk through our doors feeling excited and hopeful about starting therapy, however, it is common for people to feel nervous, anxious or scared about talking to a stranger about their personal experiences.
The first meeting with your therapist can feel warm, connected and supportive, but you may also understandably be fraught with nerves about talking about your concerns, and talking to someone new.
Therapy is not usually perceived as a fun activity for many people, or something that is looked forward to, like receiving a massage for example. Due to the stigma that can be attached to therapy for some people, it is also not a self-care activity that may be easily shared with others in your life, like checking in to the gym on facebook, or sharing it on your instagram stories. If tuning into your feelings and talking about them is not a habit you are familiar or comfortable with practicing, preparing for the task can be quite anxiety-provoking and uncomfortable. It makes sense then that in anticipating your first session with a therapist, you may have thoughts about cancelling the appointment, and not want to go at all.
You may start to wonder whether you ‘need’ to see someone, and question what you have to talk about, or wonder how you will talk about your concerns. The thought, “but other people have worse problems than me” may also cross your mind. Once in the session, it is normal to feel discomfort if you are not used to speaking about yourself. I encourage you to give the first few sessions a chance, and to reassure yourself that therapy is for everyone. You may be surprised about how relieving it feels to express thoughts and feelings to someone outside of your personal circle, and how comforting it can feel to be truly listened to, once you settle in.
2. Talking to a therapist is very different to talking to someone you know personally.
Our friends and family can provide a wonderful support network for us during times of stress and challenge, but talking to a neutral person who does not know anybody else in our personal circle has many benefits. For starters, those who are close to us can be biased, and clouded by their own emotions about a situation, particularly if they too are affected by it. This means that you are likely to be given advice about what they think you should do, when it might not always be in your best interests. A therapist is able to provide a more objective and neutral perspective to help you to see the bigger picture, without having any other intention other than to support you to feel more empowered within yourself.
Your friends and family may also agree with everything you have to say when you talk about a difficult situation as they want to support you, and although this can feel reassuring and validating, it does not allow for you to be challenged with a different perspective, or the space to explore what other perspectives there might be. Having someone look at your concerns from an outside perspective can allow for factors to be highlighted that you or people close to you had not thought of before, and also support you to think in ways you are not used to, to allow for growth and change.
Another common hesitation for people opening up to their personal circle is fear of judgment or rejection about a perceived negative feeling or behaviour, or they may be worried about upsetting their friends or family. It can be both a liberating and containing experience to be able to talk freely about issues and people in your life, knowing that it will be kept confidential, that it is within a safe and non-judgmental space, and that your therapist will not react to your story with strong emotions.
Sometimes the relationships we exist in can be the cause of our distress; some relationship dynamics are so complex and even though these people are very dear to us, the way they relate to us and how we relate to them can play a role in perpetuating unhelpful patterns. Talking to a therapist can help you to understand these dynamics and support you in the long-term to be in healthy relationships.
3. Some therapists may not be the right match for you.
If you are seeing a therapist who is skilled and uses an approach that you feel aligns well with you, your sessions should not make you feel judged, patronised, inferior, pitied, belittled, ignored, rushed, talked over, or pigeon-holed. An effective therapist is present, and should make you feel heard, respected, valued, understood, hopeful, and provides you with information and knowledge about how the process will support you, so that you feel a sense of control and can go at your own pace.
While it is normal to take time to build a trusting relationship with your therapist, if you strongly feel as though you don’t click with your therapist, their approach does not suit your style, or they have said or done something that your instinct tells you is not right, it is perfectly okay for you to choose to end your work with that person and look elsewhere for someone who feels like a better match for you. It could be helpful to speak with people you trust about this, to explore whether you might feel uncomfortable with your therapist because they have challenged you (which is a healthy and normal part of therapy if done gently and with respect), or whether they have behaved in a way that may be unethical and inappropriate. It is so important for you to connect in a way that feels positive with your therapist, as the therapeutic relationship has been shown by research to be the most significant factor in effective counselling.
4. You may experience clarity, a sensation of spaciousness within and feeling lighter from giving voice to your feelings and sharing them with someone.
Many people describe feeling a sense of relief and release, as well as lighter and positive at the end of their first session, as they have been able to, perhaps for the first time in their life, have their concerns heard, explored and understood. Sometimes this process is enough in itself to be the catalyst for big shifts in thinking and feeling. Often when people discuss topics that hold a lot of emotion, they can feel a tightness in their throat and chest. After they’ve talked through their experience, this feeling usually shifts and feels clearer, as the emotion has had space and room to be expressed. A lot of us hold stress in the body without awareness of how this manifests, and we can go through our lives carrying this stress in unhelpful ways. Bringing our mindful attention to how our body can hold emotional pain can help us to more holistically address our feelings and help to unlock and release them. Of course, not all sessions are the same, and some sessions can be draining and stir up big and difficult feelings. This is a normal and healthy response to revisiting and discussing painful events in your life, and the feelings will pass. In therapy, when overwhelming emotions arise, you will be supported to gently and safely navigate through them.
5. Self care is important after sessions.
It is common to feel quite tired after talking about your concerns for the first time with someone new. This is an important part of the counselling process – giving voice to your difficult experiences. Just like a physical workout can make you feel tired, doing this type of hard emotional work can be exhausting. It does take a lot of energy to give language to issues you may never have spoken about before, or to revisit challenging memories or emotions. This is why it is important for you to go gently on yourself after therapy, or take some space and time to process your session, and fill up your emotional cup with nourishing activities.
6. Challenging feelings are important to experience and bring forward in therapy so they can be acknowledged and have space to shift and change form.
Sometimes we can leave sessions feeling stirred up and vulnerable. This is because talking about negative feelings can be uncomfortable. It takes courage to look at these parts of ourselves. We can get into patterns of believing that we should only experience and outwardly show positive feelings, that if we were to feel darker emotions that it is a sign we are going backwards, or not going well. Quite the opposite is the truth. As emotional creatures we are complex and multifaceted, and are wired to feel the full spectrum of emotions. If we try to numb, ignore, avoid and distract from our negative feelings all the time, we essentially deny one whole half of our being, and instead of the feelings disappearing, they can become bigger, stuck, and more entrenched. If we can bring into light the difficult emotions and give voice to them and allow them to be expressed, they can shift and move, rather than get locked within and held by the mind and body. It is then that we create the space within ourselves to experience positive emotions.
7. Therapy is not just ‘talking’.
Many people are surprised that by simply talking about their concerns, things can start to change in their life. When we say things out loud and share them with another person, particularly a person who is non-judgmental, unbiased and compassionate, we share the burden of carrying our difficult feelings. By verbalising our issues, we also give language to internal experiences and this helps the brain to process them in a different way.
Talking therapy changes the brain. We are able to increase blood flow to the cortex by sharing our experience with another person – as this increases our capacity to regulate emotions, attune to others, self-reflect and better express our selves, all of which are associated with mental wellness. We are also creating new neural networks that facilitate healthier and sustainable lifestyle patterns by bringing mindful awareness to unhelpful or dysfunctional habits, and making conscious efforts to change them. During talking therapy we help the brain process and store information in different ways to alleviate stress, tension and anxiety. Talking can support your brain to make sense of painful memories in a different context, and can help neurons from different parts of the brain communicate more effectively. This is a significant part of the healing process, especially if you have been through trauma. If you are working with a skilled and effective psychologist, you will be guided to do this in a safe and supported way.
There are other ways to communicate in counselling too, that don’t involve talking. Your therapist may be trained in modalities such as art therapy, or symbol work, to support you to express yourself in a more gentle and accessible way. These mediums for communicating can be enlightening, creative and enriching.
8. A lot of the “work” is done between sessions.
Between sessions you may find that you have moments of remembering something your therapist said to you, and it suddenly making sense or resonating with you in a different way to before. Sometimes in sessions if you are feeling emotional or overwhelmed, you cannot process information in a meaningful way in the moment. It is later, back in the context of your day-to-day life, that particular parts of the session can be illuminated to support you to understand yourself better. As you become more aware of different elements of your life and self that have been highlighted to you, this can start to create shifts in how you think, feel and behave. Some people find it useful to journal between sessions or to talk through what they are discovering with a trusted person, to further process their therapy experience.
9. Therapy takes time.
It is important to go at your own pace to build trust, comfortability and connection with your therapist, which can take time. For some people, the process of relationship-building in itself is what can be most healing, especially if your concerns are relational-based, but this can be true for most people Learning about yourself and how you can navigate through life's challenges can be a long-term process. Counselling is not just about putting out the ‘fires’ in your life, but about maintaining mental wellness, and reconnecting for ongoing support.
10. Sometimes giving compassionate attention to a concern in your life and talking about it, can resolve a lot without you having to “do” or “fix” anything.
A lot of people go to therapy expecting that they will be given advice to problem-solve particular areas of their life they are seeking help for. Therapists are trained to listen, to explore, to offer alternative perspectives, to be an ally to you; however, they are not trained to tell you what to do. Counselling is not about fixing; it is a process and a sacred relationship in which you are guided to tap into your internal world, to self-discover and draw out strengths, skills and resources to manage concerns – not just for now, but for the rest of your life. In the process you will learn about yourself, the underlying reasons for your patterns of thoughts, your relationships and how you relate to others, emotions and behaviours, and skills that work uniquely for you to manage stress and difficulties now and in the future. Some people report feeling different and experiencing positive change by having someone simply hold a safe space for them to be heard – and by doing so, they realise that nothing needs to be solved, that their emotions have shifted just by going through this process of connection and understanding.
Being brave in therapy is often just about turning up. It takes commitment and deep courage to look at ourselves in this way. Therapy can also feel light, fun and positive. Counselling is a vital part of taking care of ourselves. It is an investment – not only for ourselves but for the important people in our lives too, as they benefit from the effects of us ‘doing the work.’ It is a very powerful activity to help us feel connected, supported, respected, empowered and lets us know that we matter.
Author: Thania Siauw, 2017.