Five Tips on How to Encourage Healthy Self Esteem in Your Child

Author: Christina Leggett, Psychologist

We have often been taught that praising another person, most specifically a young person, increases their self-esteem and confidence. Research has shown however, that when praise occurs without presence, encouragement, attunement, and safety, children begin to view themselves from the eyes of others rather than building on their own thoughts/feelings, sense of self, and strengths.

Encouragement versus Praise

Encouragement can be different from praise. When a person gives praise, they will often give a value judgment on what they are seeing (for example, “I really like what you have done”). Encouragement, on the other hand, is about removing personal judgement or incentive, and providing observant feedback which encourages your child to keep doing what they are already doing. In other words, your observation of what your child is doing or feeling is made evident, e.g., “You’re really happy with your drawing,” or, “I can see you used lots of colour there!” Observing what you see in your child or what they have done, then encourages them to continue on the path that they are already on, which builds on their sense of confidence and intrinsic self-esteem.

Giving encouragement can be more effective in building self-esteem in children than giving praise. Praise can come in the form of wonderful compliments, but when done in excess or more than encouragement, your child can begin to build their self-confidence based on external points of view, rather than following their own internal cues. This can be unhelpful as they can begin to constantly seek external reinforcement in order to feel good about themselves, a pattern which can lead into adulthood.

Using words of encouragement such as, “You are proud of the work that you are showing me,” or, “I can see that there are so many different animals in your drawing!” removes your judgement and allows your child to put language to the feelings that they have about themselves internally. It also helps them to feel that you have taken the time to notice what they have done/created. This process can assist your child to feel more connected with you as they know that you are noticing them, attuning to them, and being present with them.

Using encouragement and being present with your child can positively impact their level of self-esteem and confidence within themselves, which carries through to the playground, their future careers, as well as in their relationships with others.

Signs of low self esteem

• Over-dependence

• Anxiety or fearfulness

• Shyness (although this could be about temperament and is not necessarily an indication of low self-esteem)

• Constant need for approval

• Critical or negative self-talk

• Perfectionism

• Inability to handle criticism

• Inability to make decisions

• Procrastination

Here are 5 tips on how to focus on encouragement with your children to build their self-esteem

1. Spend at least 30 minutes uninterrupted with your child each day

This would mean not engaging in other activities such as your phone, computer, cooking, or talking to another person: You are 100% present with your child. Let your child lead their own play. By doing this, we are not imposing on them what we think they should do. By being present and allowing them to lead, your child will receive the message that they are worthy, that others like to be around them, and that their thoughts and ideas matter. With older children, this sacred time could be used to have an uninterrupted conversation, activity, and/or catch up together.

2. Narrate your child’s actions, emotions, intentions, and efforts without thinking ahead or interpreting what they are doing

Enhancing your child’s sense of self can occur just by being present with them, tracking their play (verbally narrating what they are doing), and allowing them to form their own interpretations of what is happening. For example, you could track your child by saying, “You are working really hard on that drawing,” or “you’ve spent a lot of time picking out your colours.” These are observations that you probably acknowledge inside, but saying them out loud to your children helps them to build a language around their internal world.

3. Acknowledge the process and effort in your child’s actions

If your child presents you with something that they have created or achieved (e.g., artwork or report card), instead of noticing the outcome (the grade, or final piece), notice the process and effort that went into what they have done. For example, you could say, “You’ve tried really hard to do better in that subject and it paid off,” or “You are proud of this painting, look at all the colour you’ve put in there!” If your child looks happy and proud of their work, acknowledge that they are proud, rather than saying that you are proud every time.

Praise on the other hand, (e.g. “Good work!”) does not take that extra time to notice your child’s efforts. Noticing the effort helps your child to build their own self-confidence and esteem because they feel good about their work. Feedback in the form of encouragement provides children with a sense of innate achievement without needing to look externally for approval. Remember, doing this helps your child to learn to be driven by internal motivations, rather than external motivations.

4. Ask your child open questions

Open questions, rather than leading questions, especially in situations, gives the child a chance to explain, tell you a story, or make a decision. Rather than “That’s good, isn’t it?” you could ask, “What do you think about that?”

5. Practice using encouraging language

Remember that praise can be positive if there is a good balance with encouragement and presence.